Category Archives: Anxiety

Anxiety, I will cut you.

my "I will cut you face"

this is my “I will cut you” face

Repost from March 2014

Anxiety.. Sucks.. soooo dumb.. gettin on my last nerve..

I WILL CUT YOU. 

 
Most people are very surprised, at least I think so when I say I suffer from anxiety. I can easily put on a happy outgoing bubbly hyperactive love to have attention loud full of life face and attitude. It sounds like a lot of work, but it isn’t. Honestly, its the real me, but anxiety and all the ways it manifest itself is a very powerful thing that can easily bury somebody in a hole so deep that nobody may never even know about and it seems no way out. Eventually, anxiety got the best of me. The things that made me ME were gone, actually STOLEN feels more like it. 
 
I felt hopeless and a “lost cause”
 
Most people who struggle with anxiety are ashamed, therefore keeping it quiet and to themselves. They bury it with all the other junk, piling this and that and pushing it down so very deep into a dark place.  
 
Now, I know this is kindergarten stuff, but just let me kinda feel like I’m making a good point.. 🙂 If you think about it, in a dark place there is no light. Right? But if something that has light shed, shunned, whatever;)) on it then it will become visible. Even though it doesn’t seem like it in the midst of the chaos, thats a good thing.  Anxiety if left in that dark place will never be confronted, never dealt with and will ultimately kill and destroy exactly as the enemy intends to do. (John 10:10) 
 
 I remember sooo vividly the moment anxiety took over my body. I called my husband and was bawling and just kept saying “I’m gonna die, I just feel like I’m going to die” My stomach hurt, everything was spinning, I couldn’t think straight, heart was beating out of my chest, my breathing was shallow. I just knew I would pass out and never wake up. This had to be the feeling people feel right before they take their last breath and passed away. It was HORRID!!! Several dr. appts, ER visits before my doctor diagnosed me with GAD, generalized anxiety disorder. Then starts the medication horror stories (Thats a whole other blog) I don’t know which one is worse, the actual disease or the medications. I did keep it quiet for a short time, but mainly because I couldn’t speak a word without just losing it and bawling. Somebody would ask me how I was doing and before I would say the first syllable, it would happen… quivering lips, shamefulness, embarrassment and tears.   I was so scared and depressed.
 
 
There were so many moments where I couldn’t catch my breath and all the world seemed wrong and I couldn’t help but wonder if He really cared. 
 
I wish I could say I ran and threw myself on the floor and cried out desperately for His help….. Fact is I hardly cracked open my Bible thru this. I still believed in Him. I loved Him, but all I could think was “Seriously God? Me?”. Hadn’t my life already been flipped upside down. At that time we were currently in our 11th year of trying to conceive a child, 11 failed inseminations with no reason why, had just suffered a miscarriage, had the privilege of adopting our beautiful Micah, but before that adoption was finalized, the birth mom wanted her back so we lost her for a short period, had to re-surrender our baby to her in the parking lot of a freaking Walmart!!!!!!!  I mean, really,, can you say PTSD?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!?!!!!!!!! Lifetime movie material right?? Forgot “awwww bless their hearts” Bless my freak heart!!! And thats really just a little of my life and marriage life. I could go on, but you would go fetal and nobody has time for that! I guess I should feel lucky that anxiety is the only disease I battle after all that. 
 
We hear it all the time, sunday morning at church, weekly bible study, women’s retreats, worship services, blogs, vlogs,  podcast, books, our friends, family…
 
-God came to give us a rich and satifisying life. John 10:10 
-God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
-We have been called to be ambassadors for Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:20
-We are more than conquerors.  Romans 8:37
-I am complete in Him. Colossians 2:10
-I am far from oppression, and fear does not come near me. Isaiah 54:14
-I am born of God, and the evil one does not touch me. 1 John 5:18
Some days its easier to believe these promises than others. My heart knows they are for me, but in my mind is where that battle starts.  
 
I quiet myself with the TRUTH one day at a time.
 
 But reality is this battle is exhausting. It ruins “perfect” days. It disrupts sleep. Its there, always there, even when I reason and argue with it.
 
 
Anxiety is EVERY EVIL PILED INTO ONE.
 
A crushing burden of imagined losses and feared for traumas. Every actual struggle seems worse, because not only do I carry todays load, I also carry tomorrows, with a thousand extra nightmares. 
I constantly remind myself that I can rest in this- God purses me no matter what, even when I’m crumbled into a ball on the floor feeling worthless, like a failure and afraid to face outside these walls.  He wants me even when I don’t want Him. He is teaching me about Himself even as I resist loving him in return.
 
God remains.
 
He wants and is worthy of my praise and I will recognize His goodness even when it doesn’t seem good. 
HE is for me
He is good
Joy comes in the morning