Category Archives: Marriage

Power of our words

 

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I’ve wanted to be a mommy from an early age, as young as I can remember. Like many women, I would day dream about being pregnant. I would imagine what my children would look like, surely they would look just like me. NOPE:( I would dream of reading countless books to them, fixing their hair, playing softball out in the backyard, beach trips, and all things fun.  I wanted nothing more than to be a mommy and to experience that kind of love.

I never thought about if something went wrong. My children struggling in any way never crossed my mind. Everything was picture perfect.

My oldest daughter is 10 years old and has been very active since day 1.  I just wrote it off as being very outgoing and typical toddler behavior. Now that she is older and in school, we had started noticing issues with lack of focus, not following directions, comprehension and falling very behind in school with a couple dozen more issues. What we had been writing off as immature or being “quirky” was becoming something we had to address. We had to finally realize something is a little “off” and we are going to confront it and take some action. I’m not here to rattle off a bunch of symptoms only to spook you and then you get yourself on the internet and start reading articles and then diagnose your child with 3 different things as you climb into fetal position. I’m so guilty of that, OMG its happened too many times.

My conversations with my husband now daily involve the words, ADD, ADHD, learning disorder, dyslexic, medication, IEP, occupational therapy, neurological specialist, developmental specialist and that list goes on. So many labels being thrown around. I think for some, they are a godsend. For others, they are a stigmatizing opinion.  I go from heartbreak to gratitude that we somewhat know what is going on. I realize that for her to get the help she needs like therapy and special classes that we have to have an official label.

Those labels, though. Dangerous. That’s where I get stuck. Wanting to know, but then wanting to forget. Since starting this journey I am way more aware of my words.

“Focus on your schoolwork! You’re so easily distracted.”

“Your being very immature, you need to act your age”

“She’s my add daughter.”

“She’s the one who struggles”

“Why are you so difficult?”

#notproud 

Use a label long enough and our kids are going to start believing it and then owning it believing that’s how God made them, it’s who they are and it will always be that way.  Even if it’s true, its damaging and it certainly is not Gods way. Proverbs 18:21 says that our words either give life or death. I like all of you mommas want to speak life into my daughter and I will be honest and say it’s going to take effort to think before I just spew out nastiness, but talk to her like she is a daughter of a King, a child of God. As mommas we get the high calling of being the voice our kids hear the most while they are little. “Speaking life is naming out loud the things that you believe your child is becoming…even if they aren’t “there” yet.” And All the praise hands here, right? I wrote this down in church years ago from my Pastor. I LOVE IT!!!

Speaking life is full of love, grace and a confidence that God is doing an amazing great work in our child’s life. God has an amazing plan for my child and yours, one so much greater than we can even imagine. His plans are to prosper them and to give them hope and a future. I looked up “prosper” online and some other words for it are to thrive, prevail and triumph. YES, Lord!! Sounds like some serious victory talk, right?!  Mommas, it starts with us and our words. They will become what you tell them they will be. Even if it starts small, maybe today, just hold them and look at them in their eyes and speak life. 

The future is blessed for my child. — “For I know the plans I have for you, ” says the Lord, They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

My child lives under a heavy anointing. -Isaiah 10:27

Asking purposeful questions may surprise you.

 

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I’ve been married for 18 years and have 2 kids (Both are girls), so “Jesus, take the wheel” is a very daily statement around here. I have been home with them since the day we brought them home, every single day, all.the.day.long. See, my husband is cursed with many gifts, therefore staying very busy most weeks. There were and still are mornings that as he says goodbye for the day, I feel many different emotions. I think “I’m so blessed that I get to stay home with my kids and create all these memories and not miss a milestone, etc. Yet at the same time  would also think “I’m suffocating, I’m lonely and feeling bitter.” I would often be channeling my inner Ariel inside my head singing ” Wish I could be part of that world”. And if you think its impossible to feel all those emotions at one time, you my friend are not a woman or maybe, you do not have any blessed little ones yet.

My husband arrives home from work usually between 5-6.  He’ll walk through the door, hug the girls, hug me and then say, “What did you do today?” or maybe he’s feeling brave and asks “What did you get done today?”  I remember the day he asked that one, he was lucky that day because he happened to be wearing a hat and he just looked so darn cute. Today, he asked “So, how was your day?”

The question just hangs as I look at him, trying to gauge if he was being sincere, funny, sarcastic, and then which kind of sarcastic, trying to make out the pitch and tone of his voice and what all did he mean????? Meanwhile, I’ve asked my 10 year to get off youtube for the 38th time and to take my bra off and to stop watching strange womens labor and delivery stories.  My 2 year old is outside in the pool with her swim instructor having her 1st lesson and I can hear her telling her instructor, “no, no, I wanna do it myself” with a little bit of a monster voice and then I hear the instructor say “Skylar, please stop kicking me with water.” Poor instructor, We are probably now on the black list. I look at the custom made fireplace that Skylar had just drawn some artwork on with a black sharpie that same morning, my pee soaked shorts cause we are in potty training season and well, need I tell you how thats going, unwashed hair, chipped fingernails and coffee breath and I pause. Freeze time. Lets go into my head for a second.

How was my day???  Hum, wellllllllll (really dragged out ) today felt like eternity. There were moments when my heart was so full I could have exploded and then there were other moments when my senses were under assault that I think I did explode. I was both lonely and desperate to be alone. I counted down the minutes til nap time and then the second I layed down my 2 year old I couldn’t wait for the moment to go nuts kissing her sweet face! I was bored out of my mind and completely overwhelmed with so much to do at the same time. Today dragged on, yet there wasn’t enough time. It was loud and silent. I was at my best and then, a moment later, at my very worst. I think around 2:00 I imagined us moving to Haiti and taking over our favorite orphanage, adopting each of those kids as our own and then a hour later, I thought what if we give up our kids we already have for adoption and move to Bora-Bora.  Hubby-when there are 3 girls and all of us have several personalities(jk);)  and we all have crazy hormones –  it becomes super difficult to explain the question, “How was my day”

I’m too tired to say all of that. So, sometimes I would cry, or yell or just say fine and tell him I got errands to do meaning TARGET RUN!!!! Go to target, order my grande iced vanilla latte and wander the aisles, thinking “please God, let me run into a friend, somebody I know, anybody will do Lord.” In those moments, I often feel sad and hurt because I just want to be seen and known. The days just seem impossible to explain.

In one of my many self help books or a blog,  I read how we should ask each other better questions. Whether it be spouse, child, friendship-if we really care to know them, we need to ask them better questions, specific questions and then really listen. This quote hit me straight in my face,  “If we don’t want throwaway answers, we can’t ask throwaway questions.”

It doesn’t always happen, but now we try to ask more thought out questions. Ones that hopefully will set us up for success.

What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?

What can I do to help you right now? -my fav!!!

I also use it on my 10 year old when I pick her up from school. I no longer ask, “How was your day?” because she has noooooooo clue. It was the worst of days, it was the best of days. One moment, her best friend was one girl and then 10 minutes later, it is a different girl. A specific question is going to give me a more clear answer and more of a window into her day.  So, now i ask

How do you feel about your spelling test?

Did you play anything fun during recess? 

Do you feel proud of yourself today?

What if we viewed our questions the same way we viewed giving a gift to a close friend? Giving a thoughtful gift requires us to really listen and know that person. The more personal and specific the gift the more the receiver will feel genuinely loved and known. If thought out and purposeful our questions can evoke the same response as that perfect gift. Love is specific. Love is personal. Love is being known.

Love Day, 2016

We love Valentine’s Day around here. Daddy always goes over and above on gifts which just happens to be my love language. Thank ya Jesus! This year he got me the cutest gold bracelet and it had JB+RB. Its etched in it like it would look like if it was etched on to a tree.. Kinda sloppy and the gold is the hammered look.. SOOO CUTE!!!!! Love it.. Ryan gets the girls little gifts too which they are all about. Always the cutest little trinkets. 

About 7 years ago, we started staying home on Valentines Night and we love it. I make a yummy dinner and we all dress up and eat with a hundred candles lit. ITS THE BEST!!!! The girls love it. We even skip paper plates on this night. No paper cups. We get the best plates out that we have. Thank you Crate and Barrel. Wine glasses come, we toast each other and CHEERS!!!! The girls love it. 

This year we wrote love notes to each other (why didn’t I take pictures of that???:( ) and we took turn reading them to each other while Skylar continued on her 2nd plate of Spaghetti. LOL.  Ryan and I both got sappy and couldn’t even get through all of them without crying. We just love our girls so much. Its a fun night and something we all look forward too every year. img_5257

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Somebody is 40 and its not me!!! Part 1

My gorgeous hunk of a man just turned 40!! I just can’t believe he is there and i’m approaching it.. :(( unreal.. I used to think I would never turn 40.. I don’t know why I thought that. It just felt sooo far away, not that I would die or Jesus would come rapture us away, not that I think I’ll make it.. I mean, who knows really.. 🙂 JK calm down. I know where I’m headed, but only if He comes at the right moment.. hehe JK again… “Beulah Land (singing voice) I’m longing for you”.. ok. ok. another post another day.

Anywazzzzzzz, Ryan is turning 40 or tonight as I write this post, he is 40 plus 9 days. Eventful Night……  You can say he ended the night the same way he came into the world.. Well……..Wait….. that sounds like I’m saying that sweet 10 pounds, 4oz and 24 1/2″ long toddler Ryan came hurling out of his mothers vajayjay that night. No, clearly that did not happen… OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The day started with Ryan waking up to 40 balloons with random sweet pics of him through his life tied to them. He was surprised and it was really sweet to see him reflect on some of them.

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So, now its evening time and I have invited 50+ people including family and close friends. Because of the amount of people and kids that would be there and I already met my quota for hosting parties at my house for this fiscal year, I decided LETS GO SKATING!!!! That’ll be fun, right? Well, it was for the first 45 minutes. So much fun!. Skylar was in Heaven,, she’s 2 people and she was pretty much running on the skates and would not come off the floor for anything, even CAKE!!!!! You know she was having a good time if she passed up food.. 🙂

 

Happy 40th babe

40 years ago, God brought this little boy into the world. Well, not really little, he was over 10 pounds and almost 24″ long, pretty much a 3 month old right out of the womb.

Ryan Chad Black was special:) The stories I have heard prove that God thinks very highly of my mother in law and that she was capable of such a child. HA! Most moms get together and tell stories of their children and they are often something like this “oh my child peed their pants right in the middle of the store” or “my child got in trouble at daycare because he pinched another little boy” or “ohhh my little one stuck a marble up his nose”, which all of these were done by Ryan too,, but he was always pushing it, seeing how much more he could do. So, my mother in law got to tell stories go like this…
At the young age of 3, Ryan fell out of a 2 story building with no injuries whatsoever, not even a scratch.   He also climbed a tall tree and couldn’t get down, his mom having no idea how he even did it..  Also around this age, his younger brother came along. Mom had to hide Richie from Ryan because he was very “loving” and thought it was okay to give gum to him when he was only a few months old. Awwwww, Ryan has always been a giver. 🙂
When Ryan was 4, yes ONLY 4. He lived in a small, tiny town outside of Union Center, South Dakota. He wanted to go to the store that was 3 miles away, nobody was available to take him so he decided with all that 4 year old wisdom that he would walk himself ON THE HIGHWAY to this tiny store. While on his way, a car full of drunk native Americans (I’m quoting mom’s exact words) picked him up and gave him a ride. Because the town was so tiny, the clerk working in the store recognized little 4 year old Ryan and long story short, he was returned home safely:)) TRUE STORY….  
Sometime around the age of 6, he jumped off the kitchen counter and didn’t quite clear it,  so now he’s falling with tongue hanging out and falls on floor biting his tongue almost off.  He went on to bigger things then, like killing his first animal, an innocent rabbit:( He started racing BMX bikes, he caught snakes that should never have been caught. At the age of 8, he somehow inquired a pet hawk which is really cool.. What little boy wouldn’t die to have a pet Hawk.. Forget goldfish, or little hamsters… A HAWK!!!!  and last and rather disturbing…… He was 9 and apparently he saw a bullet and a hammer on the table. Scared yet?????? Well,  remember his younger brother Richie who he repeatedly gave gum too as an infant???????? Yep, he was involved.:(  Ryan thought it would be cool to hit the bullet with the hammer, which sent the bullet flying into Richie’s leg which resulted in a hospital trip and stitches and years of counseling for the whole family at this point… JK on the therapy part.. I think..:) I think Richie got stitches a few more times as a result of Ryan’s actions and all this happened only in the first 9 years of life. There you go to the people with out kids so far:) FREE BIRTH CONTROL FOR ALL:) 
This little boy has grown into quite the man.  I knew from the moment I met him that he would be an incredible father and an amazing husband.  And he has far exceeded the word incredible.
He has loved me unconditionally and loved me through a lot of very ugly times, seasons of life where I was very unloveable and didn’t deserve his love. He has held me, wiped away my tears, spoken truth into my heart and believed in me.  This man makes me laugh like nobody else can. He tells the cheesiest jokes that I act like annoy me, but really they make my heart flutter once again for him. Most people wouldn’t get most of what he does and why they send me into a crazy laughing woman. You know you have been laughing a lot when you have to run as your wheezing and grab your inhaler.:)  Ryan, I love you so much and could not have asked for more. I consider myself so blessed to have you by my side as we do life. Happy Birthday my love. 

2015 Christmas card pic

Another post witten several weeks after the actual event.. I’ve fallen so behind and trying to play catch up. I’ve sent the kids upstairs with daddy to play with blocks and give me some silence. And of course they are up there playing zoo or WWI. I have no idea, but I’m staying here on my tush. where it is safe:) and peaceful.

OK. People. If you know us personally and get our Christmas Card every year, you know its a big deal. If it were entirely up to me, I would stick a cute pic of just the girls with some cute graphics. BAM. Done. But my hubs is a super out of the box thinker, creative photographer. And I think he feels like everybody is expecting this amazing mouth drop pic every year and it has to be better than last year. Somebody needs therapy, prayer:) Honestly, when christmas card pic talk starts, I get anxiety poos. I know. I’m sorry 🙁  But Ryan spoils blesses (i have a sweet friend who started saying blessed instead of spoiled and i like it so I’m doing it too,Thanks Sonia!!!!) me year round and pretty much lets me have control of everything. So the card is his baby and we just do what we are told.:)

Christmas 2011

Christmas 2011 Fun

Christmas Card 2012

2012 Chaos (Pretty much close to reality though):)and I’m 2 months pregnant here:)))

Christmas Pic 2013

Christmas 2013 Cuteness. This is my favorite of my loves

Christmas 2014 fun. Lets hit the runway.

Christmas 2014 fun. The fun begins.

And 2015 card barely made it in time. We got it back the first time and the color was off, we looked green. Anxiety is high at this point. Its Dec. 16 and we have to re-order them, address them and get them sent out. People are texting and asking on fb where our christmas cards are….They are stressing, I’m stressing.. Help us LAWD. We can’t let our friends and family down.  I was messing around with my time lapse app in preparing for the shoot.  Heres a little look:)

Wasn’t that sweet?? I love the video of the girls dancing!!! Micah and her dancing cracks me up.. She truly does not care if its done right.. That girl loves to bust a move and I absolutely love it and her:) and Skylar.. so yummmmmmmy..  So here is the final product.

Christmas 2015

Christmas 2015

Ta-daaaaaaaah!:) Its pretty simple and calm compared to previous years, but we love it.. I absolutely love the girls in this pic. And of course the hubs is a hottie. I changed about 37 times and hair was like 5 days dirty and begged Ryan to photoshop my thighs in half. HA but its okay. I love the pic still.:) We already know whats gonna happen with 2016 Christmas Card and its gonna be prettttttty amazing…

Merry Christmas Family and Friends,

Jada