My youngest daughter was barely 3 weeks old. My oldest daughter was doing schoolwork and my husband was already back to work. I was recovering from a c-section and trying to function on a few hours of broken up sleep. I was convinced I was going crazy because I found myself bawling at the thought of starting over with a baby when our oldest was 7 years old. We were in the process of adopting a toddler who was sleeping through the night and not in diapers. Did I mention we had been trying to conceive for 14 years? Imagine my disappointment, guilt and shame with myself at thinking these thoughts when this precious baby was what I had pleaded and begged God for. Then, there was the breastfeeding thing. I, honestly hated it. I knew all the benefits of it and wanted to love it, but I didn’t.
Once again, I sat there reeking of shame.
It was feeding time and everybody on our street knew it. Bless her heart. She loves her food. Bottle is warm and ready. I tried for what felt like a hour to get that dang bottle nipple in her mouth, but she wasn’t having it. She was squirmy, somewhat thrashing her head and screaming. Just as the bottle would get to her lips, she would resist it. I knew she was hungry and the very thing she wanted and needed was right in front of her, but she was too busy fighting it. I remember myself saying over and over, “Skylar, its right here. Honey, look, momma has what you want.” Trying to convince a newborn -exhausting. My face was covered in tears and my heart covered in shame.
God showed up in that moment with a screaming baby, a cold bottle and a momma who was all around a mess dealing with labels, insecurities, fear and a really distorted view of God and what he thought about me.
I am not somebody who goes around saying “Oh, God talked to me last night and then again this morning and actually right now this minute too.” Or maybe he does and I’m just not listening or I write it off as hallucinating and too much coffee. Another devotional another day for that.
I know that I know that He spoke to me this day though. I felt Him gently whisper, “Jada, exactly. Stop trying to push me away, my love for you isn’t going anywhere. Stop looking here and there and making excuses for why you don’t deserve it. Aren’t you tired of fighting? My love is exactly what you need and want.
I wish I could say that day was like a demolition day (Joanna & Chip Gaines style) and all those lies, labels and my view of God was tore down and replaced with the truth, never to come to surface again. I’m so thankful that God is gracious and I know I’ll only be complete in Him. Some sweet ole lady always said in my childhood church, “I’m not who I want to be, but I’m sure not who I used to be.” True story.
There is a song that as the young kids say, “Its my JAM!” This song has become mine. my heart. my cry when the words won’t come.
Your love’s not fractured
It’s not a troubled mind
It isn’t anxious
It’s not the restless kind
Your love’s not passive
It’s never disengaged
It’s always present
It hangs on every word we say
Love keeps its promises
It keep its word
It honors what’s sacred
‘Cause its vows are good
Your love’s not broken
It’s not insecure
Your love’s not selfish
Your love is pure
You don’t give Your heart in pieces
You don’t hide Yourself to tease us
So, pretty much God’s love is perfect. Ya, it can’t mess us up. God is crazy in love with you and me! He loves us madly and passionately- so much that the Word says, “He delights in me and rejoices over with me with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17 May these words become your reality today. You can stop resisting. Stop fighting it. Just stop. His love is all you’ll ever need.
“For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”